TABLE OF CONTENTS
Procedural History
Complaint filed (GL-001) → Situation assessed (SR-002) → Notice of Charges issued → Summons delivered (not received) → Subpoenas served → Tribunal convened → Verdict issued.
Pre-Trial Filings
The following procedural documents were issued in accordance with Conglomerate judicial requirements:
| Document | Status |
|---|---|
| Notice of Charges — Issued to The Aviators | Not delivered. The accused do not have a postal address. The notice was affixed to the northeast porch pillar. It was absorbed into the nest within forty-eight hours. |
| Summons to Appear — Issued to The Aviators | Not acknowledged. A copy was read aloud from the porch by the Chairman. The accused responded with chirping, which the Chairman does not accept as a valid RSVP. |
| Subpoena — Issued to Luna (witness) | Served. The witness consumed the subpoena. A second copy was issued. The witness sat on it. Appearance was secured through the offering of a treat. |
| Subpoena — Issued to Fava (material witness) | Served. The witness claimed he “didn’t know there was a court.” This has been noted in his personnel file. |
| Courtroom Sketch Artist — Appointed | Cameras are not permitted in Conglomerate proceedings. An official sketch artist has been appointed. Sketches remain classified pending the Chairman’s review of his jawline. |
The Chairman notes that due process has been observed. The fact that the accused are incapable of engaging with due process does not diminish the Conglomerate’s commitment to it.
Courtroom Sketch
Courtroom sketch by the Office of the Chairman’s appointed sketch artist. Classified elements have been redacted. The Chairman has approved the depiction of his jawline.
Case Summary
Charges
The Aviators, species unidentified but believed to be of the order Passeri-annoyus, are charged with the following:
Illegal Nesting on Conglomerate Pillar Infrastructure — The construction of a multi-unit residential dwelling on the northeast porch pillar without planning permission, structural review, or acknowledgment of Conglomerate sovereignty.
Sabotage of the Fake Snake Deterrent System — The deliberate incorporation of a sovereign defence asset into enemy housing infrastructure, rendering it decoratively inert. The snake’s head was observed protruding from the nest at an angle described by the Chairman as “smug.”
Persistent Chirping During Nap Hours — A pattern of acoustic aggression between the hours of 1:00 PM and 3:30 PM, directly coinciding with the Chairman’s scheduled rest period. This is either a coincidence or an act of war. The Chairman does not believe in coincidences.
Contempt of Snake — A general charge reflecting the Aviators’ total disregard for the Fake Snake Deterrent System and, by extension, the Conglomerate’s authority.
Attendance
Jury
The Bark Tribunal has been convened for this proceeding. The jury consists of:
| Juror | Role | Status |
|---|---|---|
| Mr. Fluffington | Stuffed bear, senior juror | Present (seated, silent) |
| Captain Squeaks | Rubber duck, alternate juror | Present (squeaked once during deliberation) |
| Gerald | Stuffed elephant, juror | Present (fell over during opening statements) |
| Luna | Head of Security, character witness | Present (barking) |
The Chairman notes that Gerald’s collapse during opening statements should not be interpreted as a commentary on the strength of the prosecution’s case. Gerald has always had balance issues.
Prosecution
Evidence
Evidence Index: Exhibits A–D admitted without objection. The accused were not present to object.
The following evidence has been entered into the record:
Exhibit A — Visual confirmation of aviator nest on northeast pillar, observed during the Chairman’s morning porch inspection.
Exhibit B — The Fake Snake Deterrent System, or what remains of it. The snake’s body is now load-bearing structural material within the nest. Its head is visible. Its expression has not changed, but the Chairman detects mockery.
Exhibit C — Audio evidence of persistent chirping during the Chairman’s 2:15 PM nap on twelve consecutive days. The chirping pattern does not vary. This suggests either territorial communication or deliberate psychological warfare. The Chairman suspects the latter.
Exhibit D — Testimony from Luna (Head of Security), consisting of sustained barking directed at the porch ceiling for approximately nine minutes.
Defence
Deliberation
The Bark Tribunal retired for deliberation at 3:47 PM.
Deliberation concluded at 3:47 PM.
The jurors were unanimous. Mr. Fluffington stared straight ahead. Captain Squeaks squeaked. Gerald remained on his side from his earlier collapse and did not participate but is counted as concurring.
Luna was not permitted to deliberate as she is a witness, not a juror. She barked anyway. Her barking has been noted but does not constitute a vote.
Verdict
The Aviators are found guilty of:
- ✓ Illegal Nesting on Conglomerate Pillar Infrastructure
- ✓ Sabotage of the Fake Snake Deterrent System
- ✓ Persistent Chirping During Nap Hours
- ✓ Contempt of Snake
Sentencing
Closing Statement
Notice: Failure to appear before the Conglomerate Tribunal will be interpreted as admission of guilt. All verdicts are final. There is no appeals process. There is only the Chairman.
Signed,
Dexter Esq.
Chairman of the Conglomerate
“Do better, be better.”