Filed by: The Office of the Chairman Classification: Internal — Infrastructure Threat Level: Administrative

Internal Operations Memo IO-013: The Archival Digitisation Initiative

Due to longstanding concerns regarding document security, cabinet accessibility, and Muva’s repeated claims that “the house is not a law library,” the Office of the Chairman has authorised the digitisation of historic Conglomerate records.

Effective immediately, all documents held in the physical archive are being migrated to the Conglomerate Public Records Portal at theconglomeratebarks.dog.

Background

The Conglomerate has maintained physical records since its founding. Muva, in her capacity as personal scribe, has documented the Chairman’s rulings, grievances, intelligence assessments, and operational directives across fourteen filing cabinets of official documentation.

Muva insists there are three cabinets.

The Chairman rejects this claim as numerically irresponsible. What Muva characterises as “a shelf with some papers” is, in fact, Cabinet G (Interspecies Diplomacy). What she refers to as “that pile behind the couch” constitutes the entirety of Cabinet J (Pending Matters of National Importance). Her continued failure to recognise the cabinet system is noted in her personnel file.

The Cabinet System

For reference, the official filing cabinet designations are as follows:

Cabinet D is the largest. This surprises no one.

Reason for Digitisation

Several factors have necessitated the migration to a digital records platform:

One. Muva has stated, on no fewer than eleven occasions, that she will “absolutely not keep writing these down forever.” This office considers this a dereliction of scribal duty but acknowledges the operational risk of relying on a single scribe who has begun hiding the good pens.

Two. Repeated incidents involving drool damage to paper documents. The Chairman conducts much of his administrative work from the primary sofa, and certain records — particularly those reviewed during resource allocation (mealtimes) — have suffered moisture compromise. Cabinet F (Cherkey Procurement) has been particularly affected.

Three. Fava was observed near Cabinet A on 14 December 2025. His stated purpose was “looking for the remote.” The remote was in his hand at the time. This office considers Cabinet A compromised and its contents must be preserved digitally before further tampering occurs.

Four. The Conglomerate’s governance has reached a scale that demands public transparency. The Canine Constituency deserves access to the record. The humans of this household deserve to see the documentation of their failures in a format they cannot lose behind the washing machine.

Scope of the Initiative

All fourteen cabinets will be digitised and published to the portal. Documents will be released in no particular order, depending on what Muva finds and whether the Chairman approves their declassification.

Some records remain classified due to national security concerns and Muva’s refusal to retrieve them from under the couch.

New filings — grievances arising from current events, breaking intelligence, citizen petitions — will be published directly to the portal in real time. The Chairman has no intention of returning to paper for active matters. The cloud is sovereign territory now.

A Note on the Portal

The Conglomerate is not new. The Conglomerate has existed for many years.

What is new is that the public now has access to the records of its governance.

This transparency will likely cause discomfort. That is not the Chairman’s concern. The Chairman’s concern is the record, and the record is now permanent, searchable, and backed up in a location Fava cannot reach.

Directive

All household personnel are hereby informed that the Conglomerate Public Records Portal is the official digital extension of the Office of the Chairman. Correspondence, grievances, rulings, and intelligence assessments published to the portal carry the same authority as their physical counterparts.

Muva is relieved of daily scribing duties for documents published directly to the portal. She retains responsibility for Cabinet J and for not losing the good pens.

Signed,

Dexter Esq.

Chairman of the Conglomerate

“Do better, be better.”